So. It’s the first day of the new year. Page one of a new book. A fresh start. Time for resolutions and new goals. I wanted a different story for 2017. A better story. A most definitely less pain-filled story. A happier, positive, fun story. 

The main character would throw off the burden of chronic pain and depression and begin to sing and dance just like in a big Broadway musical. Backup dancers would join in,the orchestra would break into what would become a top ten hit, and the entire thing would be in glorious technicolor! Our hero had overcome extreme circumstances and come out on the other side with no scars! 

But, unfortunately, this is real life. Not a fantasy. Not a dream to wake up from as an entirely different version of myself. I am who I am. I am disabled. I am depressed. I am in near constant pain. I don’t sleep, so dreams don’t give me much chance to escape. Which hurts. I’d like to escape, even temporarily, to give myself a break. An escape from the constant worry, the what ifs, the guilt, and the pain. Physical and emotional. 

I do my best to get up every morning with a positive mindset. Today, I think. Today I will be productive. I’ll get things done. I will go out and run errands. I’ll try a new restaurant. I’ll catch that new movie everyone’s talking about. I’ll join a gym. I’ll plan a trip. 

Some days I’m successful. Those are the good days. The days I concentrate on and remember when the bad days hit. The days when I can’t get out of bed. When I’ve been up all night, 10+ pain level, back spasms, crying from the heavy weight on my heart. The worst days. The days I want most to forget, but the ones that stand out the strongest. 

I try to look forward, not back. I’m better at that than I used to be. But as the months turn into years, and the episodic turn to chronic, it’s more difficult. Difficult to find reasons to get up. Difficult to not just say “Screw it! I’m done!” 

But I won’t give up. See, I know me. Better than anyone. And if nothing else, these illnesses have made me stronger than I ever thought possible. I won’t back down! I will continue to search for treatment, relief, and eventually, a cure. I’ve made this my mission in life. For me and others like me. I will continue to look my demons straight in the eye and say “Bring it on! I got this!” 

So. Happy 2017! Let’s make this the year we find successful treatment for our illnesses! 

Carry on my fellow warriors! Carry on and always keep fighting! 💜