Valentine’s Day

So it’s 9:00 pm on Valentine’s night, on what is going to be the coldest night in years here. Kicking off the coldest week. The power suddenly goes out. Our power lines are underground, so most likely, someone hit a tree with their car, or a transformer box blew. Either way, it was going to get cold fast in the house if the power was out awhile. We lit some candles, very mindful of my inquisitive therapy cat Samantha. We had one working flashlight and so we hunkered down and waited. And waited. I was strangely comfortable with the darkness, as bright lights, or any light for that matter, hurt my head terribly. I had been using a heating pad for my lower back and hips, but of course it’s electric, so there went that. I tried reading on my tablet for awhile, but the light from that was hurting my eyes. So I sat. And sat. And started thinking. And my mind went where it always does when not occupied with a distraction. To myself, my condition, my pain, my future, my financial situation, etc. And I started to cry. I cry a lot these days. More than I ever have. Is it feeling sorry for myself, guilt for being a burden, my extreme pain every day, my fear of never getting better, fear of losing my appeal hearing and not getting any financial assistance?! Or all of the above? All I know is that crying, for me, is not a release. It makes my head throb worse, which causes nausea, which if I have to vomit makes my migraine pain even more intense. My furbaby Samantha is so attuned to me and my pain that she curled up under the blanket with me and purred her little engine as hard as she could. I tried to calm myself down before having a complete panic attack, and I did. Sam’s purring, her nearness, her warmth, always makes things seem better. We must have fallen asleep for a few hours and woke when I heard the power click back on. Thank goodness it was only a few hours! I found myself missing the dark and the quiet, but I know I can’t live like that all the time. My demons seem to enjoy the dark, and I am more susceptible to their mind games in the dark. So I’ll stay in the light as much as possible to keep them at bay. Happy Valentine’s Day.

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