I am your worst nightmare! I am a bully! And I’m proud of it! You try to fight me. I laugh at your efforts. I live to control you, overpower you. I love to bring you down to your lowest point ever just to see you completely and wholly submit to my will! I get all kinds of joy from watching you curl up and sob uncontrollably. Your pain is my pleasure. It’s my greatest joy to see you cowering in fear. There’s even a word for it. Schadenfreude. Getting off on other’s misfortune and pain. I am your puppet master. I pull your strings and you dance. I can lurk around the corner and let you think I’m not around and then attack out of nowhere. Watching you fall to your knees in utter defeat. I can go away for a few days and imagine your sighs of relief. Your small, cautious smile. Your hope against hope that I might have finally left you alone for good and moved on. That’s my favorite time to blindside you. Completely and utterly knock you off of your feet. I own you and you are mine to do what I will with you. Whenever and wherever I choose. You can’t escape me. Ever. I’m stronger than you will ever be and you cannot defeat me. I’m your worst demon! I’m in your mind, body, and soul. I’m in your head. Literally. And I’ll be with you until you find a way to defeat me. I am your migraine.
So. I am between psychologists at the moment. I didn’t think I really needed to talk to anyone regularly. I know that my depression and anxiety is situational and comorbid to my chronic migraines and Fibromyalgia. Or, in normal speak, I’m sad and scared. I take meds for this and thought that was enough. I went for over four years with these illnesses without professional counseling. It wasn’t until I began going that I realized how many emotions were swimming around in my head. At my first visit, I was bawling like a baby fifteen minutes into the session. Crying like that may be healing and cathartic, but it’s hell on a migraine sufferer. As I told my tale of chronic pain, doctors, tests, failed medications and treatments, insomnia, and the ensuing depression and stress, I realized how much I had been holding in. I hadn’t really spoken in depth to my Mom because I didn’t want to upset her. My friends had been dropping off due to cancelled plans and other unknown reasons. So I really hadn’t opened up to anyone to this extent in a long time or at all really. The therapist listened, let me ramble on and cry some more. Then she talked about how normal my feelings were due to my circumstances. How anyone would be depressed, even with meds, if they were in near constant pain, not sleeping, and not knowing how to handle it all. The relief at having someone, who didn’t know me from Adam, validate my pain and suffering was overwhelming. I didn’t think I needed to hear these things from an outside perspective, but obviously I did. She reinforced that I was not alone in my feelings. That my pain was real. That my depression and anxiety were warranted. So many things in my life were out of my control, and I was lost. I had been so overwhelmed with fear about my inability to work, my finances (or lack thereof), not finding a working treatment for my pain, etc. As a result, I couldn’t sleep, I was crying uncontrollably, my depression increased, and my hope was gone. My therapist gave me exercises to relieve stress, biofeedback techniques, tips to put in motion a workable plan to get help from Social Services and other resources. The most crucial thing I took away from my sessions was to stop thinking in worst case scenario mindset. To have a plan B if A failed, and a plan C if B failed and so on. I am currently looking for a new therapist due to distance problems. I know I need the advice, ideas, input from a professional. I’m not ashamed to admit it either. My hope for my fellow chronic pain warriors is that you aren’t either. Carry on and always keep fighting! 💕
So. My depression and anxiety has me in it’s grasp! Just one of my “demons” trying to take control once again. It’s a daily struggle. It would be so easy to give in, to say “screw it”, to just let go. “It” is so strong! I am so weak. The pain is so bad. It’s getting harder and harder to function every day. I feel worthless, useless, tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of living….. My demon promises peace, quiet, no pain, no stress, no worries….. It sounds so good. Too good. Too good to be true. I have to keep fighting. I am stronger than my depression. I am stronger that my pain. I can choose to push harder, exert myself, stretch my limits. Ignore the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I matter. I am not alone. I can beat this. I’ve been down before and I came back stronger than ever. This is only temporary. This mood will lift. I will find a reason to smile. Even laugh. Life is worth living. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Screw you Demon! I’m in charge today and I want to fight! So back off! Let’s kick it in the ass fellow warriors! Carry on and always keep fighting! 💕
So. Do the constantly changing weather patterns affect your migraines and Fibro symptoms? Yeah. Me too. I live in SE Virginia. The weather here changes by the hour if not more often. It’s been in the 80`s in the Winter and 30`s in the Summer. We have cold fronts, warm fronts, hurricanes, tornadoes, rain, sleet, hail, and snow. And that could all be in the same week! All kidding aside, I am greatly affected by these weather “mood swings.” The pain is greater and the meds can’t keep up. Yesterday it was sunny and 74°. We had a freeze overnight due to a front passing through. Today it is stormy and 47° for a high. I think Earth’s barometer is broken. Or Mother Nature is on vacation. Regardless of reasons, I am suffering. My migraines are constant 9/10 with jackhammers and/or ice picks constructing or renovating something nefarious in my brain. When I take a step, the resounding throbbing makes me nauseated. Vertigo pops in to say, “Hey! Let’s go for a spin!” And the thought of food is bleak at best. So, pain meds on an empty stomach. Yay! On the Fibro side, every past, recent, and future injury, muscle ache, bump, bruise, paper cut, and stubbed toe make their presence known. Aching, burning, stabbing, dull, sharp, steady, tingling. They’re all here. I’ve given up leaving my bed for the past two days unless absolutely necessary. It’s not worth the additional pain to walk into the other room. Stairs aren’t even an option. And driving, I might as well bash my head into the wall and knock myself out. That way, I can’t hurt anyone else. Just laying here in bed, the itching from my pain meds and the tossing and turning from being unable to fall asleep are enough. I’ll fall asleep eventually. For awhile. Until the pain wakes me up. Painsomnia. Such a common problem amongst us chronic pain warriors that it has a name. Aren’t we lucky?! I know this is a flare up due to the weather and will ease up in its own good time. I know that, but still, I’m in pain, exhausted, depressed, in tears, and sick of it! Oh well. This too shall pass. And I’ll get back to my normal daily 7/8 migraine pain level and my occasional horribly painful, non weight-bearing knee one day, hip the next, neck after that, and so on. Anyway, I think I may just be able to fall asleep now. Here’s hoping! And hey, if you run into Mother Nature, please ask if her mood stabilizers have been changed lately. In the meantime, carry on and always keep fighting. Much love! 💕
So. Another week gone. I accomplished some of what I had planned. Others, not so much. But it’s okay. I need to give myself a break. I’m harder on myself than anyone else. Guilt, pride, stubbornness. Whatever. When I can’t do something, I get angry at myself. I should have pushed more, tried harder. But I’m slowly (think turtle pace) learning to take it easier on myself. Do what I can and be at peace. Not beat up on myself because my body won’t let me complete a task. 90% of the time my body is in charge, not my brain. This illness, disease, syndrome, whatever you want to call it, is in control. I feel like I’ve become two separate entities. There’s me. Then there’s my demon (as I refer to my illness). We have to share a body, but I still have control of my mind. When the demon says, “You can’t do that!”, it’s up to my brain to say, “I can try!” Sometimes it works, others it doesn’t. But I have free will. I can make my own decisions and I have options. Whether my body goes along with them is another story. I’m working really hard to not feel guilty or like I’ve let anyone down if I can’t complete a task or have to cancel plans. It only adds more stress and anxiety to my already overloaded system. I’m a work in progress as I feel we all are. I’m taking it day by day. Doing what I’m able and learning to forgive myself for
what I can’t. That’s all any of us can really do anyway. Carry on chronic pain warriors. And always keep fighting! 💕