3:00 am. The world sleeps, perchance to dream. Dreams that bring content smiles. Or perhaps nightmares, causing tossing and turning. But at least dreaming. Recharging for the day ahead. Body restoring itself. Mind at rest. Healthy, rejuvenating rest. A chance to just breathe. In and out. Comfortable and safe. Secure in the knowledge that tomorrow will be a beautiful day. Waking up in a few hours. Refreshed. Looking forward to a new day, a new week, a new outlook. New ideas, new dreams, new plans, new hopes, new goals.

My 3:00 am. The loneliest hour of the day. Pain won’t let me sleep. My thoughts won’t let me sleep. Awake and alone in the dark. Tears. Guilt. Pain. Fear. No dreams, good or bad. No rest. No recharging. No restoring. More pain. Worries about tomorrow. Will I see it?! Do I want to?! No comfort, no safety. Panic. Anxiety. New day, more pain. New week, more fear and guilt. No new medicines. No new treatments. No job. No friends. No life. No money. No self-worth. My hopes, dreams, goals all on hold. No one to root for me, to cheer me on, to hold me, to tell me it’ll get better. I crave the darkness. I feel safe in the dark. No one to see what I’ve become. How far I’ve fallen. How long a trek back to who I was. Who I hope to be again someday. I fear the light of another day. And what it brings.

Saturday Musings

Another beautiful Saturday. Coffee and migraine. It’s a coin toss to decide how much caffeine to drink. Where’s the line where “just enough” becomes “too much” and migraine improves or explodes?! Preauthorization FINALLY went through after 3 weeks for my new meds so I’ll try to get out today to get them. Praying this one will help. Supposed to control depression, anxiety, insomnia, and pain. Fingers crossed. Scared I’m running out of medication options! So many promising new treatments and drugs on the horizon, but will I see them in my lifetime?! Where’s our funding for proper treatment and research?! So many conditions, illnesses, syndromes begging for money. Where do the invisible illnesses fit in?! We, as patients, have to prove how bad off we are. It’s hard without x-ray, CT scan, MRI, or definitive blood tests to show how sick and in agony we are every day of our lives. Without visible proof, we are mocked, ridiculed, and stigmatized, not only by our peers, but by employers, doctors, SSDI, and judges. If I were in a wheelchair, cast, or had surgery scars, the burden of proof wouldn’t be on me! Well, I’ve had a hellacious week. My therapy furbaby Samantha has a mast cell tumor again. $600.00 to have surgery. Mom developed shingles and is in a lot of pain. I’m trying to take care of them both while feeling like crap myself. Needless to say, my pain, stress, depression, anxiety and panic are through the roof! Great time to be between psychiatrists! Going to try and enjoy the long, holiday weekend regardless of everything. Would love to have plans to go somewhere. Maybe someday. Please see my fundraiser at http://www.youcaring.com/AlwaysKeepFighting and donate if possible! Every dollar is a blessing! I love y’all to the moon and back for your caring and support of me and my Sam! Enjoy your holiday! Enjoy your family and friends. Keep them close. With chronic illness, they tend to disappear. Trying to stay positive. wpid-fb_img_1422635977059.jpg

Supernatural Support

Those of you who follow me on Facebook or Twitter know of my obsession with the television show ‘Supernatural!’ My reasons are many. I started watching from the first episode in 2005. I had read about it and seen previews. I’ll admit, the two lead actors had something to do with my interest. Then, as I got several episodes into it, I felt a connection. If you’ve never seen the show, at it’s heart it is a story of two brothers. Sam and Dean. When Dean was four years old and Sam was six months old, their mother was killed in a house fire while the boy’s father, John, watched. The three of them made it out safely and from then on, the trio’s mission was to hunt down and kill the Supernatural “being” that killed Mary. John eventually sells his soul to a demon to save a dying Dean. The show then revolves around the brothers and their willingness to sacrifice, kill, and die for each other. Their eternal bond. Their resolve that “don’t think there is ever anything that I would put before you, ever!” Their “Family don’t end with blood!” is a common theme as friends, allies, fellow hunters, help the boys to survive. This story resonated with me. Maybe because I’ve never had, but always wanted, someone who cared so deeply for me. A soulmate if you will. Someone to understand my feelings, my hopes, my dreams, my failures, my setbacks, my wins, my world. Someone to empathize, encourage, and embrace me for just being me. No stigmas, no doubts, just complete and utter love and devotion forever. These brothers are not real, I fully understand that. But the actors who portray them are. And over the 10 years that Supernatural has been on, Jensen and Jared have forged as strong a friendship, brotherhood, “soulmate” status as Sam and Dean. From strangers meeting at an audition, to brothers for life who have admitted to being willing to jump in front of a bullet for the other. Both have admitted to bouts of depression during their lives, for varied reasons, at different times. They have, together, created a charity t-shirt campaign called AlwaysKeepFighting! This campaign opened lines of communication on subjects long stigmatized, kept hidden, and not spoken about. Mental health and suicide awareness. Both actors have lost friends to suicide and depression and felt the need to share and give back. This honesty with their fans made me love them even more and forge a common bond to share. Just this weekend, Jared had to cancel several Convention commitments in Europe to rush home and be with his family. He asked for support and understanding. He also asked for stories from fans about their struggles with depression and anxiety. Tweets, Facebook posts, letters, etc poured in for this beautiful, selfless, empathetic, compassionate, wonderful man! I wish nothing but happiness and inner peace for him and hope that being home with his loved ones is just what he needs to regroup, recover, and rest. Battling these invisible, horrible, frightening inner demons is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. It would be easier with a “soulmate”, best friend, sibling, but none of these are available to me. So it is my Twitter, Facebook, and #SPNFamily that I commiserate with, cry with, hope and dream with, share daily struggles with, and just be there to always keep fighting with! When the inner voices get too loud, I reach out and there is always someone available to drown the bad voice with positivity and love! I thank them all and love them dearly! #AlwaysKeepFighting #StayStrong #StopTheStigma

Darkness

My depression has me in it’s grip right now. It’s like I’m on the outside looking in. I see a terrified woman curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably. She’s in a dark room with no door. No windows. No way out! Trying so hard to catch a breath or form a thought. How long has she been in there?! Can’t anyone see or hear her?! Where are her family and friends?! Do they even know she’s there?! She’s not loud. It’s like she’s trying to hide the pain and anguish. Trying to make herself as small as possible. What could make her so scared, so sad, so utterly alone?! I can feel her hopelessness, her loneliness, her complete agony and fear. I don’t see any blood or broken bones. Where is she hurt?! There’s nothing visible. It must all be on the inside. How much pain and suffering suffering must a body have endured to become this! This poor woman in the dark. I pray she makes it back into the light.