Thoughts On Emotions

During the course of a day, I feel like I experience every emotion there is. My go to is guilt! For being sick, being a burden, letting people down, not being able to push harder, not being able to work or earn an income, not having saved more money when I could, etc. I know that guilt is a useless emotion, at least in my situation. Everything I listed above is completely out of my control. Looking backwards, and wishing I had done things differently helps no one. It’s over and done! I realize this consciously, but fall into that mentality. I could’ve, should’ve, would’ve. But I didn’t and that can’t be changed. I compare my life B. P. (before pain) to my current life, as if they are two totally different lives. Because they are. I see almost nothing of the person I was in the person I am now. I miss the past me. I was independent, funny, friendly, always willing to help anyone at anytime. I prided myself on getting to where I was professionally. I loved my job and the “people contact” it provided. I loved going to the movies, to a restaurant, to a party, anywhere really, just to be out with people. The current me is dependent on family (of which it’s just my Mom), who is incredible, but aging and has vision loss. I can’t drive too often due to symptoms and/or side effects from meds. I’ve lost friends, some casual, and my best friend, due to cancelling plans or being sick. I’m not sure which or both as they stopped talking to me and won’t respond when I reach out. I can’t go to the movies, even alone, due to lights and noise, and smells. Restaurants are the same, as is shopping, concerts, and museums. Pretty much all of the things past me loved are out of reach now. Not to mention the financial aspect. All of my savings went to food, bills, medical insurance, premiums, deductible, and prescriptions. My only contact with people is the occasional chat with the doctors I see on a regular basis, phone conversations, usually with my SSI Benefits Appeal lawyer, and social media. Thank goodness for social media, as current me would have no friends without it. I feel closer to my online friends than I did to my “in person” friends. They are empathetic, loyal, generous to a fault, caring, and always just a keystroke away. They are keeping me sane. And from falling so deep into my pit of pain that I might never climb out! Bless them all! So I’m working on it, with the help of a counselor, to ease up on the guilt and my feelings of helplessness, and hopelessness. Current me is not necessarily forever me and I need to remember that every day! Better days ahead.

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