Typical Morning

I typically wake up around 4:30 am. That is, if I’ve slept at all! At night, I get into bed, turn out the light, and my brain revs up like a Hemi! I think about anything and everything! My childhood, old friends, jobs, conversations, restaurants, religion, myself, aliens, demons, pretty much anything and everything! I don’t sleep much anymore. Getting out of bed is now an ordeal. Do I have any appointments?! Does Mom?! (She doesn’t drive anymore due to vision loss.) If yes, I sit up and see what hurts. Is it my back, hips, shoulder, wrist, fingers, knee, etc? Depending on how bad and where, I use the heating pad or ice on the worst areas. After awhile, I stand up to see if I have vertigo or nausea. If I do, I take a pill. If not, I decide whether my migraine is too painful for me to shower. Sometimes, just the water touching my head is excruciating. I get dressed and decide, depending on what time the appointment is, if I can risk taking my pills and when should I take them so I’ll be clear headed enough to drive safely. Will I get pulled over?! Will I lose my license?! Will I have to cancel my appointment?! Will the Pain Clinic dismiss me for missing appointments?! Will I find another doctor?! What about my meds until then?! After a pretty intense panic attack (for which I take another pill), I figure out my next step. I have my coffee first thing in the morning. I know! The age old debate about caffeine and migraines. Should you or shouldn’t you?! I gave up caffeine for 3 months and pain level stayed the same. Coffee is one of the few pleasures I have to enjoy anymore. I’m not giving it up! I eat something small so I can take my first meds of the day without nausea and vomiting (although I get that anyway from the migraine pain!) I start off with 4 pain, depression and anxiety pills. If there’s no change in pain symptoms within 3 hours, I take my pill for breakthrough pain. I usually have to stop and rest for a bit to let the immediate head rush, dizziness, and sweating from the initial dose of pills settle down. In your eyes, it looks like I really haven’t done much of anything up to this point. As for me, I’m already exhausted from no sleep, head pounding from migraine and nausea, and stress from having to make so many decisions already. It’s usually around now that I start to cry. It all seems so ridiculous, useless, pointless, and never-ending. Is it worth the fight?! It would be so easy to just give up. Lie down and never get up again. It sounds so tempting. But I don’t. I continue on with my day. Praying it’ll get better before I completely lose my mind and will to fight. Better days ahead.

One thought on “Typical Morning

  1. Who are you and why are you living my life. I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had some way to help or a magic treatment that I have found, but I don’t. I am always searching for the miracle that will make me pain free. If I find it I will be sure to share.

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