One Of My Demons

One of my demons has me in it’s grasp and I can’t fight back! I’m too tired and in too much pain. Depression and anxiety are comorbidities with Chronic Daily Migraine/Intractable headache, and Fibromyalgia. Meaning they go hand in hand. I have dealt with these issues in the past and antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds always worked. Not this time. I have crying jags several times a day, whether  home or out. I just cannot control the tears once they start. Then I get angry because realistically, I know that I should be able to control my emotions. But right now I can’t. I’m horribly depressed about my situation, and in turn, my life. I can’t find a positive thought or a short term goal to work toward. I don’t have the energy or impetus. I’m on new medications for depression and anxiety. Also one for panic attacks. My question is, are the psych medications not strong enough to contain the 24/7 pain, cognitive issues, weakness, side effects of pain meds, nausea, vertigo, and vision problems?! Or are the psych meds the wrong ones?! Prior to my illnesses (the time I call my previous life), I had functioned and even excelled at whatever I did. New situations, new jobs, moving, going back to finish college, making friends, etc. With the help of my old friend Prozac, which I had taken steadily since it came on the market. It was my “miracle drug”, the first of its’ kind to target my chemical imbalance. I stayed on it even after I wasn’t sure it was still working or I felt I just didn’t need it anymore. I had never been brave or secure enough to discontinue taking the Prozac. It was my security blanket. And my weapon of choice to keep the old demons away. Since becoming too ill to work, which my pain management doctor and psychiatrist agree I am, my old demons have returned with a vengeance. Of course that is what demons do! They make their presence known loudly and widely. They take any and all control that you think you still have left and wrest it away until you have nothing left.

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