Painsomnia

Another sleepless night, but brain running on all cylinders. I don’t know if it’s the pain or the exhaustion, but I’m thinking a lot about limitations. So many things I took for granted in my other life (before my medical and emotional condition(s) took over). I could go shopping at the spur of the moment. I could accept a date without worrying about cancelling. I could attend a concert and not be afraid that the noise and lights would be overpowering and I’d need to leave. Something as mundane as a trip to the pharmacy now has to be planned practically down to the minute. What time do I have to take which meds so I’ll be out of pain enough to go, but not too drugged to drive?! I’ve never been good at math or equations. Now I find myself working like a mad scientist trying to take 1/2 of this and a 1/4 of that two hours before leaving the house, or is it three hours?! It’s always hit or miss, as I refuse to drive without feeling alert enough to be safe and not get pulled over. Sometimes the timing works, sometimes it doesn’t. I cancel or miss more appointments than I make. I cancel or bail out on plans last minute, which thrills my few remaining friends to no end. My new life revolves around counting, measuring, timing, planning, and hoping. I hate it! I want to be spontaneous! I want to wake up, see an ad in the paper for an event, and just go! I guess I’ve taken so much for granted that when I lost the ability, it really hit me hard. I feel guilty, angry, sad, and any other number of emotions. None of them good. I want proper treatment, I want a cure, I want people to understand, empathize, at least belive me when I say my pain and suffering is real and debilitating. I want my life back! My biggest fear is that my inner demons will take over. I cannot allow that to happen! But they are so strong and they want to be in charge. It’s a daily fight and it’s exhausting! Severe pain and insomnia don’t help. Neither do depression and anxiety. I’d sell my soul for a pain-free day and a sleep-filled night at this point. Extreme?! Not to me. wpid-wp-1432820269510.jpeg

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