Night Moves

It’s 3:30 a.m. I’m up. I fell asleep for about an hour last night. Couldn’t get comfortable. My back hurts. My neck hurts. My head, as usual, hammering and banging away. Same as last night. And the night before. Painsomnia. That’s what the medical field calls it. I have many other names for it. I won’t share those. I’m so tired. Physically and emotionally. I fall asleep in my chair during the day after taking my meds. It’s fitful and not at all restful. It’s in short periods of time. I jerk awake. Look at the clock. It’s been 15 minutes. Repeat. When the pain is at a 10, I take my highest dose and “pass out.” Again not restful or rejuvenating sleep. I wake up from both scenarios groggy and hungover. I can’t focus well and I’m almost always still in pain. I’m never refreshed. I don’t wake up out of pain. I hurt all the time. This is my routine. I can’t seem to break it. I’ve tried different doses of meds. Tried different combinations. Dr. Pain added sleeping aids. The side effects are too intense. Tried sedatives and anti anxiety meds. Same result. My pain doctor is at a loss. He hasn’t given up and tells me not to either. It’s easy to tell him that I won’t. That I’ll fight. Be patient and hopeful. I tell myself the same. But at 3:30 a.m., it’s hard. I’m in a bad state of mind. I’m exhausted. I hurt all over. I’m stressed. I’m full of negativity and doubt about the future. Is

Don't you cry no more!
Don’t you cry no more!
this my new “normal?!” I hate 3:00 a.m.! “When you just don’t seem to have as much to lose, strange how the night moves.” Bob Seger

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