2016 The Road So Far

Some days are better than others. I don’t mean a little better, but drastically better. Just like some days are worse than others. Much worse. Such is life with chronic pain. I don’t have good days as opposed to bad days anymore. I have a variety of low pain, extreme pain, high stress, low anxiety, panic filled, relatively bearable, can’t take it anymore days. Or hours. Or episodes. Time is broken down differently. I can’t foretell an entire day, so I break it down into small increments. I got out of bed. Success. I attempted to shower. Couldn’t do it. Will try again tomorrow. I got dressed for appointment with psychologist. Took my pills. Hit with wave of extreme exhaustion. Couldn’t hold my eyes open. Went back to bed. I guess 4 hours sleep last night didn’t cut it. Slept for an hour and pain woke me up. Got into chair with heating pad for lower back and ice for hip. Tried to eat. No appetite. Got frustrated thinking of all I had to do and couldn’t. Started crying. Exacerbated migraine. Took more migraine meds. Couldn’t stop crying. Took more anxiety meds. It’s now 9:00 am. Appointment is at 2:00 pm, 20 minutes away by interstate. Will the side effects let up by the time I have to leave?! Will I be able to wait until I get back home to take more meds. What if I get there and can’t drive home?! Dizzy and uncoordinated from meds. Can I drive?! What if I get pulled over?! Will there be a “missed appointment” fee?! Will Social Security get involved if I miss another appointment regardless of reason?! Depression and self-doubt. Guilt and self-pity. Fear. Why can’t I do simple things anymore?! Why does every part of my body hurt?! Why doesn’t the medication work?! Will I live the rest of my life like this?! Can I?! Do I want to?! Why is this happening to me?! My emotions are all over the place. My body hurts. My brain hurts. I’m physically and emotionally drained. I try so hard to stay positive. To believe that things will improve. I know this moment will pass. I’ve been through this so many times before. Deep breaths. In and out. Calming breaths. I can do this. I am stronger than this. I can beat this. I WILL beat this. Just not today. I’ll try again tomorrow. Better days ahead. wpid-wp-1422496248237.jpeg

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