September Sunday

wpid-wp-1432820269510.jpegWell, it’s Labor Day weekend. End of another summer. No beach trips. No cookouts. No concerts. No movies. No outings that I would probably have had to cancel anyway. Not worth the stress of “this could happen”, “what if?!”, or disappointment. Better to stay home. My safe haven. My bubble. The only place I can control. Dark, quiet, scent-free. I miss the movies, but the lights and noise level would chase me home. The concerts were so much fun, but too loud and so many people wearing so many scents. The beach was my favorite. But the sun, which I once loved, is now my enemy. All of the simple pleasures in my life have turned into stressors. Reasons for panic and anxiety. Unneeded worry. All chasing me back to my house. My cage. My jail. Don’t get me wrong, it’s comfortable, cozy, relaxing, and safe. But once in awhile, even inmates get yard time. I’m lonely. My only contact with the “outside world” is my computer. I’m blessed to have such good, loyal, understanding, empathetic online friends. My “real life” friends have all abandoned me. No reasons given. Embarrassed?! Tired of my constant cancelling?! Unable to handle my pain?! Whatever the reason, they’re gone. My best friend, secret keeper, confidante, “let’s grow old together” friend, gone. Without a word. It’s easier online. They can’t see my tears, my fears, my hurt, my pain. We talk about it, but it’s not the same as face to face. I see a psychologist. She helps me put things into perspective. My losses, my grief, my fears, my hopes. And yes, I do still have hope. I have to hold on to something. Have a purpose. A reason to wake up and face each new day. Praying for relief, a cure, strength, positive thoughts. Helping others going through similar circumstances. It helps me to help them. To feel like I make a difference to someone in physical and emotional pain. To someone depressed, anxious, panic-filled, like me. We’re strong for each other. Hold each other up. Always reachable. Through new meds, side effects, tests, diagnoses. Bringing laughter to a dark time. But always praying for better days ahead. We must. There is no alternative. Not for me. #AlwaysKeepFighting

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