Saturday Morning Fears

My SSDI Appeal Hearing is on October 15th. I’m thrilled to FINALLY have a date after almost 4 years! I’m also terrified. What if after all this time of waiting, panicking, worrying, and stressing, they say no?! What if I’m denied yet again?! Back to the end of the line?! I can’t go through this entire process again! Not physically, mentally, or financially. It’s drained the life out of me as much as my illnesses have done. There’s no more money. It’s literally down to the wire. I’m desperate and completely out of options. I’m crying over it daily. (Crying is such a help with a constant migraine too!) I’m sure some of you are saying “think positive” or worse, “stop thinking about it.” Easier said than done, my friends. My psychologist has taught me relaxation, mindfulness, and even hypnosis. It works to a point. Until those thoughts creep back in because they are front and center in my brain. This isn’t a simple answer that I’m waiting for. It’s my future and if I have one. The pressure is unbelievable and constant. I don’t sleep much due to pain and insomnia anyway, but lately I don’t sleep at all. I’ll nod off for a few minutes here and there during the day. At night, my brain is firing on all pistons. I try to make them positive thoughts. I really do try. But this is such a tremendous part of my thought process, that negativity and doubt sneak right in. I don’t know if y’all are familia with an appeal hearing, but the proof is totally on me! Yes, proof! I have to prove and validate my chronic pain and anxiety to strangers. People who have never met me, haven’t seen my struggle to get through a day, haven’t heard my tears and moans of extreme pain. Haven’t seen me try to make it to the bathroom in time to vomit from the chronic Migraine pain and nausea. Haven’t seen me unable to get out of bed due to pain, weakness, dizziness, vertigo, and/or any of the above. How do you prove in a few minutes and words the way my life isn’t mine anymore?! That I’m not the same person I was when I could work, enjoy life, go to movies and lunch with friends, or even smile. These invisible illnesses have taken away my life. They’ve turned me into a shell of my former self. Unless you are with me throughout the nightmare that constitutes a day in my life, it’s impossible to convey through a few words. Especially to people who are not doctors, specialists, medical or psychiatric people at all! The burden is on me to prove that I’m not capable of doing any type of steady work. Why should I have to go through this myself when 2 medical specialists have written letters stating that I may never be able to work again at any capacity?!  What can I say that they haven’t?! The burden of proof should not rest on the patient. Especially when said patient can’t talk about her situation without breaking down and sobbing uncontrollably or finish a thought or find the right words due to migraine and Fibro fog! So yes, I’m terrified. And will be a basket case until and beyond October 15th and I get a decision. Please think of me in the coming days, pray if you do so, and send me positive thoughts! Bless y’all for your caring and support! wpid-fb_img_1422635977059.jpg

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