Monday Morning Mood

Another Monday. Another week gone. Another started. So stressed about appeal hearing. Trying to stay positive and calm. Not happening. Breathing exercises, positive imagery, keeping busy, nope. It’s so close now. I want time to speed up and to slow down. I am terrified of the outcome. This is EVERYTHING! My life. How I live it. If I can live it. No more options. No other road. No backup. Worst case scenario, denial. Another appeal. Another 3 years. No. Not possible. No money. No possibility of working at any job. Most days getting out of bed in the morning is the hardest part of my day. Some mornings I just don’t. “Sorry Boss! Can’t come in again! Can’t drag my ass out of bed!” Yeah, that’ll go over well! My only contact with the outside world most days is online. Friends have left me. So much pain. Jackhammers and ice picks. My head, neck, shoulders, wrists, hands, fingers, hips, knees. Shooting pains, numbness, tingling, weakness. Ice packs and meds. Not sleeping most nights due to pain. Dozing briefly, then waking up from nightmares. Aphasia, sweating, chills, horrible images left over in my head. Hearing voices and seeing things. All part of Fibro and Migraine. But don’t tell anyone! They’ll lock me up! Medication side effects. Tremor, dry mouth, dizziness, vertigo, nausea, vomiting, stumbling, unable to finish a task or sentence, incoherent, slurring, etc. Depression and anxiety. Causing me to cry uncontrollably, panic attacks, hopelessness, fear of everything and nothing. Unwilling or unable to leave the house. Lonely. Wanting my old life back. My old self. No confidence, no self-esteem, no sense of self. I feel like a burden because I am one. I was self-reliant. I was a functional member of society. What am I good for now?! So much hinging on a stranger’s decision about my life, which they no nothing about. Just doctor reports and impressions. I wish any of them could spend a few hours with me. See what I see, hear what I hear, feel the indescribable pain I feel. Just another day at work for the judge. My future in their hands. So much at stake. Please think of me. wpid-wp-1423238659414.jpeg

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