Carrying On (For Now)

Up at 3am daily. Habitually. Brief, drug-induced naps during day. Non-restorative sleep at night. Painsomnia. So tired, my tired is tired. Can’t shut my brain down. So many thoughts, fears, ideas, worries, anticipatory anxiety, and panic. 24/7. No breaks. My brain hurts. Migraine pain worsens from 9 to 12 on the pain scale. My anxiety and depression are through the roof. Worrying about things I cannot change. Stressing about situations I have no control over. Panic attacks are much more frequent. The pain meds make my thoughts murky. I don’t often remember things that I think of overnight. I hope they weren’t million dollar ideas! Maybe I should sleep with a tape recorder nearby. My stress lessened somewhat when I won a fully favorable decision on my appeal hearing for disability benefits. But it’s now been almost 2 months with no money or medical insurance. I’ve called SSA and was told my case was “being worked on.” That doesn’t help me pay my bills or have my chronic migraine treatment started. So, my stress level is back to 110%. I understand that the government is inundated with cases, but it’s been over 4 years since I started this entire process. I asked about a compassionate allowance to get benefits asap. I’m still waiting for a call or a letter. Nothing yet. So my pain is constant, as is my depression, anxiety, and panic. In the midst of all of this, my emotional support furbaby Samantha has developed multiple mast cell tumors. Surgery is the only way to guarantee the masses are fully cured. I hate to put her through the trauma and anesthesia, so hopefully 1 operation will be it. Sam is not only my therapy cat, she is my soulmate, best friend, confidante, pain reliever, comic relief, basically my everything, along with my Mom. They are the two most important figures in my life. I can’t imagine life without either of them. If you are able to help, Samantha has a fundraiser at or her vet is Dr. Amanda Hayden, Centerville Animal Hospital, 300 Centerville Turnpike S, Chesapeake, VA 23322 (757) 482-9410. Any amount is a blessing!

Don’t you cry no more!

Samantha also has an Amazon Wish List. It would alleviate a lot of stress and make my heart lighter to know that at least she is taken care of! Bless you for your caring and support. Stay strong and #AlwaysKeepFighting!

2 thoughts on “Carrying On (For Now)

  1. I’ll be praying for you and Sam so you both get the help you need.
    If you haven’t seen a Dr of Pharmacology, may I suggest it? Most hospitals have one on staff, and if you take all your medications in, they can tell you definitively in what order and what to take each med with, to get the most out of each.
    Sorry if you’ve already done this, but if not, I have found that even Drs in the same hospital will prescribe drugs and regimens that undermine the efficacy of other drugs you’re already taking.


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