The Devils In The Details

Another rough day. I took Samantha to her vet at 8:00am for preoperative bloodwork and an ECG. I didn’t go back with her this time, hoping she wouldn’t associate me with the needles. (I know, pet parents!) I dropped a very hissed off Samantha at home and then Mom had doctor appointments, errands to run, and a couple of quick stops to make. We left around 9:30, so I couldn’t take my normal pain meds. I hadn’t eaten and my pet migraine (let’s call him Luci) was screaming in my head. He also has gotten very good at knowing just where to stab me with his pitchfork. I made it through Mom’s first visit reasonably well. Walmart was next with a time limit before Mom’s next appointment, so of course there was only one checkout lane open. We made it in time and we’re seen on time. Doctor decided Mom needed tests so we went to schedule and actually got a time on Wednesday. Samantha’s surgery is on Wednesday and I have to drop her to at 8:00am. I typically like to stay busy during her surgery procedures, so I was glad we had several things planned. By the time we got back home, it was 3:30. I hadn’t eaten, drank much, or had any pain meds since 6:00am. Hat trick of migraine “what not to do.” Luci laughed as I stumbled into the house. Pain 10+, nausea, dizzy, disoriented. Got food put away. Made quick lunch, ate, drank, and took pills. Sat down and started to cry. Samantha sat with me, which made me more upset, knowing what was going on with her tomorrow. I didn’t want her to pick up on my stress, but hey, that’s what she does. She laid down under the blanket with me, warmed me up, and started to purr. I eventually calmed down, meds kicked in, purrs helped relieve anxiety. My psych from years ago had told me repeatedly that my biggest enemy was anticipatory anxiety. Worrying about things when I have no control over the outcome. I try to catch myself, but I still do it quite often. Instead of considering everything I had gotten done successfully that day, I stressed about the few things I didn’t do. And it was nothing urgent for sure. I was very concerned about the following day. I had a dentist appointment that I had already postponed once. I had to get there. The dentist is 30 minutes away by interstate, which makes me nervous to drive with pain and meds. I had to plan my timing of meds for the rest of the day and the following day. I had to play catch up for the pills and dosages that I missed today. Needless to say, Luci and I were up the entire night. We could’ve played cards, but he cheats. I’d call him on it, but I was already in enough pain. This morning, I had the coffee on at 3am. I felt hungover from lack of sleep, strange pill doses, and that damn Luci. I had the dentist appointment at 2:00pm and then was going to stop with Mom at Trader Joe’s. Well, I certainly didn’t expect snow, 20° temps, and Arctic winds. I don’t drive often or well on icy roads, so there went my stress level sky high. (Satan is laughing hysterically in the corner!) More tears (which are my go-to for anger, stress, anxiety, depression, and panic) and decisions to make. I didn’t want to disappoint Mom, I didn’t want to cancel on Dentist again, I was confused about what meds to take, how much, and when so I could safely drive. I gave I  to the tears and just said, “Screw it!” Another lost day. I stayed in bed again. Hopefully better luck tomorrow. I fell asleep to Luci’s laughter.

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