Sunday Morning Musings

So. I saw my pain management doctor last week. I went in with an 8+ pain level, dizziness, nausea, vertigo, weakness, and serious depression and anxiety. The nurse asked me how I was doing. I looked her in the eye and she said, “I’m sorry.” My pain is written on my face. As are all of my other symptoms. I do a damn good job hiding them most of the time. Not in this office. They need to know how bad things really are and have been for a long time. When I’m out in public, it’s usually “I’m fine. How are you?” Fake smile. People don’t want to hear the truth. They don’t want to be brought down. They don’t want to know about my issues. The fact that I can’t shower without pain. They wouldn’t understand how the water hitting my head is amplified and pure agony. They won’t care that I don’t usually wear sweats in public, but anything tight hurts my skin. They don’t want to see my tears that come every time I talk about myself. They wouldn’t understand the anxiety that comes with being more than 20 minutes from home. Worried the pain will worsen and I won’t be able to take another pill because I have to drive home. Mortified that I may have to vomit out the window while on the road. So. I smile. I get through it. I lie.

But not in the pain doctor’s office. They have to know the truth. They have to see the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the tears…. Most of them are oblivious. My doctor and his nurse are not. They are sympathetic, empathetic, and they care. They don’t see this as the end of the road for me. They don’t tell me they’ve tried everything. They don’t tell me there’s no hope. They’re honest and tell me that there’s no cure. They don’t lie. They just haven’t given up on me and that means the world to me. Especially when I feel like giving up myself.

My doctor discusses options, new treatments, future treatments, possibilities, things we’ve yet to try. It’s the boost of positivity I am desperate for when I feel so lost. So we try new meds, new treatments. Some may help, some may not. But we’re trying. They haven’t given up on me, so I won’t give up on them.

Carry on fellow pain warriors and always keep fighting! Have a beautiful day! wpid-fb_img_1424364439689.jpg

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