Guilt

As a chronic migraine and fibro sufferer, I am wracked with guilt daily, hourly, every waking minute. I am unable to do 95% of the things I used to do before my life was turned inside out. I am in near constant pain every day. I am dependant on my meds, side effects, symptoms, and pain level to do more than get out of bed some days. If I get up, can I shower? Or will the simple act of standing under the spray cause agony? Some days I’ll shower and get dressed and be ready to go out, then the pain cranks up. Or the nausea. Or the vertigo. Or all of the above. At this point, it’s all I can do to crawl back into bed. Curl up in a blanket in my dark room and cry myself to sleep. Unless the insomnia visits. My best laid plans are at the mercy of my body. This person is not me. Anyone who has known me for more than five years can’t possibly understand who I’ve become. I try to explain to family and friends how I really don’t know until each day starts if I’ll be an active participant in my own life or just an observer. They say they understand, but I feel like I am constantly letting them down. I don’t dare book flights or buy tickets to events for fear of not being able to attend. I’m not lazy and I do push myself to and sometimes past my limits to get things done. But it’s not always possible. I feel helpless. And dependent. And alone. And I’ve become my worst nightmare. My biggest fear is losing everyone who I care about because eventually they won’t be able to, or want to, keep being disappointed and letdown. The guilt eats away at me. Some say it’s not my fault, and rationally I get that. But I look inward and think, “I should have pushed harder!“ “I’m stronger than my illness!” “I can beat this!” But with the constant pain and depression, I  begin to doubt that it’s possible. I lose hope. I lose more of myself. And I’m scared.

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