My New Normal

So. I’m trying to stay positive. My pain level is on average a daily 6-7. Spikes take it to a 10+. None of my current meds are making much of a difference. Relaxation techniques aren’t working. I don’t sleep much. I sleep in sporadic increments during the day due to not sleeping at night. When I do sleep at night, I am plagued by nightmares, night sweats, night terrors, and panic attacks. I used to look forward to going to bed at night. My room. My safe haven. I would watch TV for a bit or read or blog. Then, as I got tired, in the peaceful darkness, I’d drift off, hoping for good, positive dreams. Now, I am anxious as night approaches. Worried if I’ll sleep. Asking myself if I really want to fall asleep. Scared of what my mind will show me, with no escape, until I am jolted abruptly into waking. Sometimes I’m crying. Sometimes close to a panic attack. Some dreams remembered, others not. But knowing they were not pleasant. (Obviously!) Due to the sweat soaked sheets and the pounding of my heart. I feel safer during the day so I tend to nap longer. Usually dream-free. But now my days are my nights and my nights are my days. I’m physically and mentally exhausted. It’s becoming more and more difficult to function in my daily life. People don’t understand. They cannot. My illnesses are invisible. If only they could see and feel what I do. I see the pain in my eyes. I’m aware of the scarceness of smiles and laughter that used to be normal for me. I’ve become someone else. Someone I don’t like and never imagined I’d be. But I fight. I push. And I struggle. Sometimes I’m successful, other times I’m not. There’s a constant battle in my head. What should I do?! Between the exhaustion and the sedative and side effects of my meds, driving can be scary. Do I risk it?! I have places to go and appointments to keep. The inability to do so only fuels my depression. Most days I don’t want to leave my house. But I fear if I don’t, I may lose the ability. It’s a vicious cycle, I know. But how to break the cycle, repair and take back control of my life… I’m not so sure. Better days ahead fellow warriors. Carry on.

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