So. It’s ironic how I am always telling others to put themselves first and that self care is not self indulgent. But myself? Not so much. I have fallen into a dangerous rut. The chronic pain/insomnia cycle. I am pretty much in some level of pain and exhaustion all of the time. My meds make me tired and loopy. The insomnia has me near delirious almost daily. I’m floating in a haze for the most part. I’m not able to exercise and I’m eating sporadically and not healthily. I’m not an active participant in my own life. The days blend into nights and I’m often unaware of the passing of time. I’m too tired and in pain to care. I don’t often leave the house unless absolutely necessary. This makes my depression and anxiety skyrocket. All of these issues combine to set myself up for disaster.

So. Ive had it. I refuse to sit by and watch my life go by without me. I’ve got an appointment with a new internist on Wednesday. I have a huge list for him of questions and concerns. I realized that except for emergency situations, I haven’t been monitered for any possible health conditions. I know, as a medical professional myself, that so many simple issues could be making my health even worse. Thyroid, vitamin D, anemia, diabetes, high cholesterol, etc. Simple fixes with medication. Any or all of these could be making my chronic migraines and fibromyalgia even worse. I know that mentally I’ll feel better knowing that all else is well. I’ll keep you updated.

I’m actively seeking a new therapist. My depression and anxiety go hand in hand with the migraines and fibro. One feeds off of the other. And to treat one and leave the other up in the air is stupid and dangerous. I know I need someone to talk to about this mess. Someone impartial. To bounce thoughts off of and to just let out my frustration and guilt. I’m on an antidepressant and an anxiety med, but without being monitored, I’m not sure if they’re the best choice. I’ve pretty much been “self-medicating” for many years. I hope to find someone compatible and just pushy enough to keep me on the right track.

My diet is a big issue for me. Since all of this began about five years ago, I’ve gained a lot of weight. Much more than I will ever be comfortable with. This too is a contributing factor in my general health and well being. I know I have to do this myself. I have no willpower whatsoever when it comes to sweets. (extreme chocoholic!) So this will be my biggest challenge yet. And most difficult to sustain. I’m cleaning out the kitchen of the “bad” stuff and stocking with healthier options. Please send me positive thoughts on this venture as I’ll need all the help I can get!

Lastly, for now, I have to change my internal monologue. I need to affirm my plans and goals daily. I need to learn how to put myself first. I won’t be able to help anyone else if I don’t take care of me. I have many guilt and self-esteem issues to work on. I’m not the same person I was before this all began. I have to realize I may never see her again and come to terms with the new me. She won’t be any less than the previous model, just changed. Hopefully for the better. 😊

Stay strong fellow warriors and best of luck on your own journey. I’ll keep you in my heart and in my thoughts. Carry on.