The basics of CBT By Tammy Rome

There is a growing body of research to support the use of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as part of an integrative approach to migrainetreatment. CBT won’t replace headache specialistspreventive therapies, or acute medical interventions. It can help with one of our biggest triggers though.

Stress

Many migraineurs cite stress as their #1 trigger. The theory is that CBT can help patients increase their tolerance level and reduce the number of attacks triggered by stress. One of the strategies used in CBT is to challenge and change the way a patient thinks aboutmigraine as it relates to their lives.

Negative feedback loop

It starts with the idea that negative thinking patterns about yourself, others, and your future create a self-sustaining feedback loop that can affect your whole outlook on life. Breaking the cycle of negative thinking requires us to change the way we think about ourselves, our relationship to others, and our outlook on the future. The way with think about migraine can become an ever-increasingly negative pattern. We can break that cycle by catching our thinking mistakesand correcting those errors.

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It works for me

I am just as guilty as everyone else of getting caught in this negative thought/belief pattern many times. Because I have comorbid depression, I am more susceptible to giving in to this kind of thinking. I have to work harder to make sure my thoughts are consistent with reality. The use of CBT strategies has helped to keep my depressive symptoms in remission. It also helps me to manage stress better so I am less vulnerable to those nasty let-down migraine attacks.

Thinking errors

#1 – Drawing a broad conclusion based on irrelevant or insufficient evidence.

Example: “This is my last option.”

I made this mistake when I pursued a “cure” by trying to qualify fortrigger site release surgery. I believed it was the only availabletreatment in my city. That wasn’t true. I just wasn’t willing to look hard enough. I was in a hurry to find a solution, so I didn’t do all of my homework. If you’d asked me back then, I would have denied it. However, the fact that I found several other options after I’d been turned down for surgery proves that my thinking was faulty.

#2 – Focusing on a single aspect of a situation and ignoring others

Example: “There’s nothing left to try.”

I made this mistake when I found out I didn’t qualify for trigger site release surgery. Because I focused on surgery as my only option, I was devastated when it didn’t work out. It took me weeks to finally recognize the truth. There were other treatments to try and otherdoctors to see. I just had to look harder. I tried two more doctors and 6 more treatments before finally finding my current doctors and effective treatments.

#3 – Exaggerating the importance of undesirable events

Example: “I can’t take one more day.”

This was my thinking after getting turned down for surgery. That thought nearly drove me to take my own life. It seems silly now, but in the middle of those thoughts I couldn’t break free. I was so tired of hurting all the time. At least for me, surgery was a passive way to have somebody else fix my problem. In truth, I could tolerate many more days. I know this now because I have done it. If someone had told me in the middle of that darkness that I would face at least 2 more years before getting results, I probably would have given up. Thankfully I was able to focus on getting through one day at a time. Gradually I was able to cope for several days, looking forward to that next appointment. Before long, I had abandoned my lethal plans. My outlook changed because I was able to change how I saw myself and my doctors.

#4 – Underplaying the significance of an event

Example: “I’m fine.”

Don’t we all say this? We minimized our own pain because we rationalize that 1) no one cares to know the truth, 2) we’ve been worse off, or 3) we really don’t want the negative attention. By doing this, we downplay the severity of our symptoms. What’s worse, we do it with our doctors! I’m not suggesting we exaggerate our experiences. Let’s just be honest – any single migraine attack sucks. We’re not fine. We may be fine in a few hours or days, but in the middle of an attack, we are anything but fine.

#5 – Drawing a broad negative conclusion based on a single insignificant event

Example: “Doctors are no help.”

We make a sweeping generalization about all doctors without having tried to work with more than a handful. To be honest, there are some doctors who aren’t any help to us. But that doesn’t mean none of them can help. I know this because I work with two amazing doctors who have helped me a great deal. Neither one of them are UCNS certified and you won’t find them listed on any registry. I’ve also met some very caring, helpful headache doctors. They’re not my doctors, but I know they are helpful because my friends are helped by them. Many of us make this mistake when our doctor tells us there are no more options to try. Just because one, or two, or ten doctors run out of options doesn’t mean there aren’t doctors with new ideas who can help us.

#6 – Attributing the negative feelings of others to yourself

Example: “My husband blames me for always being in pain.”

I made this thinking error many times. When I finally started inviting my husband to talk about the effects of migraine on his life, I learned something very different. Sure, he was frustrated, angry, resentful, and exhausted. He didn’t blame me. He blamed migraine. There’s a big distinction. I get frustrated, angry, resentful, and exhausted because of migraine, too. Once we both realized we were angry about the same thing, we were able to view each other as partners again. The antidote to this mistake is to talk with the person. Ask questions. Listen carefully. Keep an open mind. It may feel as though you are the target of someone’s negative emotions, but that doesn’t make it true. Even if someone does blame you for your migraine, that isn’t necessarily true. They may be guilty of thinking mistakes too.


Interested in learning more about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and how it can help you with migraine? More articles are in the works that will address different CBT strategies you can use at home.

If you are not familiar with CBT, it might also be a good idea to find a therapist who specializes in CBT for chronic pain. A good starting place is the “Find a Healthcare Provider” tool  at ACHEnet.org. When you search, make sure to select the Psychiatry/Psychology/Behavioral Medicine option under Specialty. The providers listed are those who have a good understanding of the impact that migraine has on a patient’s life. They will likely be more sympathetic to your challenges than the average CBT therapist.

Profile photo of Tammy Rome

Tammy’s first experience with Migraine started in 1975. Currently disabled by multiple pain conditions, Tammy still uses her expertise to help others. She holds a Master’s degree in Professional Counseling and is a skilled Herbalist and Reiki Master. She shares her extensive experience in both conventional and complementary medicine here at Migraine.com and on her own blog, Brain Storm.Subscribe

Have Fibromyalgia and Migraines?

wpid-img_20150323_064829.jpgStudy Shows an Increased Risk of Suicide

A new study published in the journal Neurology says that people who suffer from fibromyalgia and migraines are at increased risk of suicide.

Researchers from the University of Taipei surveyed 1,318 people with migraine headaches, and 10.1% of them also had fibromyalgia. Four out of five of the survey respondents were women.

The results didn’t surprise Dr. Ginevra Liptan, who founded the first practicedevoted to fibromyalgia in Lake Oswego, Oregon.

“Several different studies have demonstrated that that the risk of suicide is higher in fibromyalgia,” she said. ” I think a huge contributor is that people suffering from this ” invisible” illness often feel misunderstood by the medical community- and even sometimes by their family. ”

Of 1,318 patients with migraine included in the analysis 10,1% were found to have co morbid Fibromyalgia. Patients with migraine and co morbid FM had higher headache frequency and headache-related disability, poor sleep quality, and were more depressed/anxious in comparison to those patients who only had migraine.

Of the patients with migraine 27.3% reported suicidal ideation and 6.9% reported suicide attempts. These results were even higher in patients with co morbid FM (58.3% thought about it and 17.6% attempted.).

The researchers also found an association between FM co morbidity and a higher suicide risk in three different migraine subgroups, i.e., migraine without aura, migraine with aura, and chronic migraine. Importantly, FM co morbidity was found to be a predictor of suicidal ideation and attempts in patients with migraine.

Based on these results the authors believe that co morbid FM is associated with a high risk of suicide in migraine patients and awareness of suicide risk should be increased in this specific group of people.

Chronic pain sufferers of all indications are at increased risk of suicide. National Pain Report reported on how NASCAR legend, Dick Trickle, ended his life because of chronic back pain.

If you do not already have a mental health professional as part of your pain management team, you should consider it.

If you or a loved one are in emotional distress or have suicidal thoughts, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has counselors available 24 hours day, seven days a week, at 800-273-TALK (8255).

Medication Overuse Headache by Migraine Pal

One of the biggest stumbling blocks for migraineurs, particularly those who have had migraines for years, is medication overuse headaches (MOH).

MOH is the official classification for the common term “rebound headaches”. These are headaches (and even migraines) which occur because of the medication and drugs we’re taking. Typically it occurs when taking medication too often which causes a physical dependence on the drug. When the medication is stopped withdrawal symptoms are experienced and result in a headache or migraine.

MOH often goes unnoticed. Many doctors fail to ask about the frequency and type of medication you’re taking and if there not looking for it, it’s easily missed.

If you experience daily migraine attacks or headaches, there is a 30% to 50% chance you overuse acute medications.

Up to 80% of those who visit migraine headache specialty clinics either overuse acute medication or already have MOH.

MOH is a complication of migraine. It is a secondary condition as a result of the overuse of treatment for the primary migraine or headache. Even if an individual has migraines, MOH becomes the prioritised condition to treat before any progress can be made on the underlying migraine condition. This is the case even if migraines caused MOH in the first place.

MOH is extremely important to address first and foremost. MOH can block or reduce the effectiveness of other treatments. It can be extremely difficult to reduce your migraine frequency whilst you have MOH.

For most migraineurs, they don’t even realise they have MOH. For others, they might feel trapped and concerned about withdrawal symptoms. As you’ll discover from this guide, MOH is very treatable with strong success rates. By addressing MOH, you can get back to improving your migraine condition.

Read the complete MOH guidewpid-wp-1432820161178.jpeg at MigrainePal

Kind regards,

Carl from MigrainePal

A note from LollipopsAndCandyCanes : If you don’t already follow @migrainepal, you should start. Great articles, advice, recommendations, and empathy.

Headache Help: Q&A with Hossein Ansari, MD

Headaches are the most common pain issue brought to physicians and a major reason cited for missed work and school days. Although most headaches are benign, some headaches are disabling enough to compromise a person’s ability to work, socialize and exercise. The financial burden of headaches on the afflicted is currently believed to be greater than that of diabetes, asthma or high blood pressure.

Migraines are also now viewed as a progressive disease which, like heart disease or high blood pressure, may worsen and become more difficult to treat over time. Hossein Ansari, MD, a board-certified neurologist who specializes in diagnosing and treating headaches and facial pain, talks about how to differentiate a migraine from an ordinary headache and potential treatments.

Question: What is a migraine?

Answer: A migraine is a complex neurologic disease with a genetic basis and is not synonymous with a severe headache. Migraine suffers may experience symptoms we call aura without ever having headaches. Aura symptoms can be visual (e.g., seeing dots and lines) or sensory (e.g., numbness on the cheeks, arms or legs) or speech-related.

Q: What are some symptoms suggesting that I should seek medical help for my headaches?

A: Individuals should seek immediate referral to a neurologist, preferably a headache specialist, if they experience any of the following: a stiff neck or fever with a headache or a headache that gets worse when lying down; constant numbness, dizziness, weakness or difficulty with speech; confusion, drowsiness or loss of consciousness with headaches; headaches for the first time after age 50 or “the worst headache of your life.” Those who develop headaches while on an immunosuppressant, such as chemotherapy or steroids, should also seek immediate help from a neurologist.

Q: What is known about the relationship between foods and fasting in triggering migraines? What about alcoholic beverages?

A: Artificial sweeteners, nitrates (often found in processed meats) and MSG can induce migraines. Most migraine triggers assumed to be food-related, though, are actually part of the migraine itself. By this I mean that before a headache begins, a person may experience food cravings or aversions. Fasting and alcohol, particularly red wine, can also trigger migraines.

Q: What can I do to prevent migraines?

A: We recommend regular, light exercise at least three days a week. Yoga, tai-chi and other mind-body practices are particularly beneficial. Multiple studies show that migraines often become chronic among overweight individuals. For this reason, attaining or maintaining a healthy, normal weight is critical. Drinking plenty of fluids, avoiding stress and getting adequate sleep are also important.

Q: How do you differentiate a sinus headache from a migraine?

A: Headache specialists consider the term sinus headache a misnomer. Most persons who think they have sinus headaches actually suffer from migraines.

Q: What about hormone fluctuations and migraines?

A: Hormonal fluctuations associated with the menstrual cycle can bring on migraines. Hormone therapies that regulate estrogen levels can avert attacks. Women who have migraines with aura should avoid certain birth control pills to prevent an increased risk of stroke.

Q: What are the most promising investigational treatments in the pipeline?

A: The most promising interventional treatment is a surgical procedure known as a migraine trigger point deactivation surgery. There is also a new drug on the horizon – a calcitonin gene-related peptide (CGRP), long postulated to play a key role in the pathophysiology of migraines – that has shown promise in preclinical and clinical trials.

Source: UC San Deigo Health Headache Help: Q&A with Hossein Ansari, MD

Another Dawn, Another Day

Here I am again. 3:30 am. Typing about my feelings. Wanting so badly to be asleep. Deep, restorative sleep. No dreams sleep. Reassuring sleep. Rejuvenating sleep. But sleep is becoming a dream in itself. Short, light sleep is what I get. If I go too deep into REM, the nightmares come. I don’t remember them as a whole. Just bits and pieces. They’re dark, scary, fraught with anxiety and panic. Clawing at the light. Begging to wake up. And I do. And it all starts again. A cycle of pain, fear, sleep, wake, dream, flashes of memory, dark, light. Too afraid to fall asleep, too exhausted not to. Endless circles of day and night blending together. Dawn is my time to think, type, try to put down into words what is happening to me. Not to scare others, not to scare myself. But to seek out those who feel as I do. For reassurance. For comfort. For ideas. Suggestions. To know I’m not alone. Because at 3:00 am, I  feel alone. #AlwaysKeepFighting wpid-wp-1422496248237.jpeg

The Search For Meds

PAIN MANAGEMENT 08.06.2015wpid-fb_img_1424364439689.jpg

Pain Patients Say They Can’t Get Meds After Illegal Rx Drug Crackdown

Pharmacies’ allocations are being restricted by wholesalers

by Rachel Gotbaum

Kaiser Health News

The accident happened 10 years ago when Chris Young was 35. He owned a salvage yard in Maui, Hawaii, and his employee had hoisted a junker on a machine called an excavator when the hydraulics gave out. The car fell on him from above his head, smashing his spine.

“He was crushed accordion-style,” says his wife Lesley.

The accident left Young with a condition known as “partial paraplegia.” He can’t walk and he needs a wheelchair, but he does have some sensation in his legs. Unfortunately for Young, that sensation is often excruciating pain.

“It feels like electric shocks, like lightning bolts going down my legs. And when it gets down to the bottom, it feels like someone is driving a big metal spike up my legs,” says Young.

To control the pain, Young, who has since moved to Florida, needs high doses of narcotic painkillers, but he can’t always fill his doctor’s prescription. He is not alone. In what may be an unintended side effect of a crackdown on prescription drug abuse, Young and other legitimate chronic pain patients are having increasing trouble getting the medicine that allows them to function on a daily basis.

Young’s pharmacy runs out every month.

“They just do not have the medications because they have run out of their allocation within the first week,” he says. “It’s just that bad, where I know I am going to end up in the E.R. because of not having my medications. We don’t know what to do. We’ve tried everything.”

Young’s pharmacist is Bill Napier, who owns the small, independent Panama Pharmacy in Jacksonville. Napier says he can’t serve customers who legitimately need painkillers because the wholesalers who supply his store will no longer distribute the amount of medications he needs.

“I turn away sometimes 20 people a day,” says Napier.

Last year Napier says federal Drug Enforcement Administration agents visited him to discuss the narcotics he dispensed.

“They showed me a number, and they said that if I wasn’t closer to the state average, they would come back. So I got pretty close to the state average,” Napier says. He says he made the adjustment “based on no science, but knowing where the number needed to be. We had to dismiss some patients in order to get to that number.”

According to Napier, DEA agents took all of his opioid prescriptions and held on to them for seven months. Napier hired a lawyer and paid for criminal background checks on his patients taking narcotics to help him decide which ones to drop.

“We’re being asked to act as quasi-law enforcement people to ration medications,” says Napier. “I have not had training in the rationing of medications.”

Until a few years ago, Florida was considered the epicenter for the trafficking of illegal prescription narcotics. The DEA and local law enforcement shut down more than 250 so-called “pill mills” — clinics where doctors could sell narcotics directly to people for cash. Now Florida doctors can no longer dispense narcotics directly to patients. Wholesalers, who paid to settle claims for failing to report suspicious orders of drugs, now limit the amount they sell to pharmacies, Napier says.

Jack Riley, who is acting deputy administrator of the DEA, credits a decline in opioid overdose deaths in Florida with an upsurge in law enforcement activity. The problem of addiction and the drug trade is dire, he says.

“A hundred and twenty people a day die of drug abuse in this country,” Riley said. “If that doesn’t get your attention, I don’t think anything can.”

Riley also says law enforcement efforts cannot be blamed for any claim of rationing of painkillers.

“I’m not a doctor. We do not practice medicine. We’re not pharmacists. We obviously don’t get involved in that,” said Riley. “What we do do is make sure the people that have the licenses are as educated as possible as to what we’re seeing, and that they can make informed decisions as they do dispense.”

Doctors, too, say DEA enforcement actions have made it harder for them to prescribe narcotics. Last year, hydrocodone products, such as Vicodin, were changed to Schedule II status, meaning they have a high potential for abuse and cannot be prescribed in large quantities.

“What we’ve seen is dramatic reductions in our ability to provide appropriate care for our patients in pain,” says Dr. R. Sean Morrison, director of the palliative care program at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.

Morrison’s patient Ora Chaikin has been taking high levels of narcotics for years to control her pain. She has had multiple surgeries because her bones and ligaments disintegrate, a problem caused by rheumatoid arthritis and other autoimmune diseases. But Chaikin, who lives in Riverdale, N.Y., says her mail order pharmacy, CVS/caremark, has been denying her medications.

“Every month there’s a reason they won’t give me my medication,” says Chaikin. “Sometimes it’s ‘Well, why are you taking this dose?’ ‘My doctor prescribed it.’ ‘Well, why did your doctor prescribe so much?’ ‘Ask my doctor,'” she recounts. “That’s the dose that works for me and you’re made to feel like a drug addict.”

The DEA investigated both CVS and Walgreens, and both pharmacy chains settled civil suits in 2013 for record-keeping violations of the Controlled Substances Act. Walgreens paid an $80 million civil penalty, and CVS paid an $11 million penalty.

Riley, of the DEA, says it would be wrong to draw a line between these actions and problems like those Chaikin is experiencing. “If there is a chilling effect, it’s clearly not at our direction,” Riley said. “We’re simply enforcing the law, taking bad people off the street and really trying to interrupt the supply of illegal prescriptions.”

In a statement, CVS/caremark said that the dosage of pain medication prescribed to Chaikin “exceeded the recommended manufacturer dosing.” It also said that she “continued to receive her controlled substance prescriptions from CVS/caremark without interruption.”

CVS/caremark said it has a legal obligation to make sure controlled substance prescriptions are for legitimate ailments and “that patients are receiving safe medication therapy, including appropriate dosing.”

Ora Chaikin’s wife, Roseanne Leipzig, who is a geriatrician and palliative care physician, says when it comes to narcotics, there is nothing in medical literature that says a dose is too high.

“There is no maximum dose for narcotics,” she says. “It’s the dose you need to take care of the pain.”

The Florida Board of Pharmacy, which is responsible for licensing pharmacists and educating them on safe practice, has heard enough complaints from pain patients that it is addressing the issue in public meetings. In June, Lesley Young testified before the board on behalf of her husband. She said she has driven more than 100 miles trying to find a pharmacy that would fill her husband’s prescriptions for painkillers.

“I’ve had to do the pharmacy crawl like many of us here,” Lesley told the board. “I’ve been the one who had to go in and beg, crying, with stacks of his medical records, with stacks of imaging, only to get turned away, often rudely, saying ‘We don’t deal with those kinds of patients.'”

The next Florida Board of Pharmacy hearing is set for Monday. A representative of the DEA has been invited to attend.

This story was produced in a collaboration between NPR’s Here & Now and Kaiser Health News.

This article, which first appeared Aug. 5, 2015, also ran on NPR’s Here and Now. It was reprinted from kaiserhealthnews.org with permission from the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. Kaiser Health News, an editorially independent news service, is a program of the Kaiser Family Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan health policy research and communication organization not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

LAST UPDATED 08.06.2015

Pain by the Numbers

PAIN MANAGEMENT

NIH study: chronic pain afflicts more than 25 million Americans  

by Rachel Gotbaum

Kaiser Health News

In one of the largest population studies on pain to date, researchers with the National Institutes of Health estimate that nearly 40 million Americans experience severe pain and more than 25 million have pain every day.

Those with severe pain were more likely to have worse health status, use more health care, and suffer from more disability than those with less severe pain.

“There are so many people in the severe pain category that something has to be done,” said Richard Nahin, the lead author of the analysis and lead epidemiologist for the National Center for Complementary and Integrative Health, the arm of the NIH that funded the study. “If people are in the most severe category of pain, whatever treatment they are getting may be inadequate.”

Published in The Journal of Pain earlier this month, the study is an analysis of 2012 data from the National Health Interview Survey. It follows a comprehensive 2011 Institute of Medicine report on pain.

The analysis examined pain differences among ethnic groups. For example, Hispanics and Asians are less likely to report pain.

“If you are dealing with a minority group that doesn’t speak English, you need to pay greater attention to eliciting what they mean when they say they have mild pain or severe pain,” Nahin said.

The authors of the analysis hope their work will help inform greater research and better treatment options for people in pain.

“We’re doing a lot of research on the mechanism of pain and potential medications. The problem is there is no silver bullet,” said David Shurtleff, deputy director of NCCIH. “These data are giving us a better understanding of the pain conditions in the United States. We now can understand how sub-populations across age and across ethnic groups are experiencing pain.”

Shurtleff said that pain is a challenge to treat because it is not just about what happens to a person physically. Emotional and cognitive factors come into play as well. “Our major focus is on symptom management for pain,” he said. “It’s not necessarily [one] medication or behavioral intervention. It’s likely to be an integrative approach using multiple strategies to help patients alleviate their pain.”

Paul Gileno, who has had chronic pain since he broke his back 12 years ago, is doing just that. Gileno, who founded the U.S. Pain Foundation advocacy group, uses acupuncture, meditation, and changes to his diet to manage his pain. He is now able to take fewer painkillers, he said.

“You need to keep trying these different modalities because you never want to give up hoping that your pain can be reduced or go away,” he says.

Gileno endured multiple surgeries and has tried many different pain medicines, but he still lives with pain every day.

“After I saw the last neurologist and the last doctor and they said, ‘Listen we’ve done everything we can do and I don’t think your pain is going to go away,’ I had to come to terms that I would have chronic pain for the rest of my life,” said Gileno. “Pain comes with a lot of baggage. It comes with depression. It comes with feeling judged and you feel less of a person. You become very isolated.”

Untreated pain is something Dr. Sean Morrison sees in many of his patients. He is a geriatrician and director of Palliative Care at Mount Sinai Hospital in New York.

“Pain causes a tremendous amount of suffering,” said Morrison. “It has huge economic costs, because of people who cannot work … And it has a significant impact on caregivers who are caring for people who have pain.”

As more effective treatments are developed for a greater number of diseases, a growing number of people will suffer from pain as a side-effect, he said.

“Many of the cancer drugs we use now result in permanent nerve injury and resulting neuropathic pain which is very difficult to treat,” he said.

Another of Morrison’s frustrations is the growing level of scrutiny physicians and pharmacists are under as they treat pain. The law enforcement crackdown on prescription drug abuse appears to be making it harder for legitimate pain patients to get the medicines they need.

“What’s happening is that the same drug is being used appropriately by group of patients and inappropriately in a large segment of the population,” Morrison said. “What we’ve seen is people in pain are the unintended victims of the war on drugs.”

NIH is in the process of finalizing a National Pain Strategy to coordinate efforts among different agencies to prevent, treat, manage, and study pain.

This article, which first appeared Aug. 24, 2015, was reprinted from kaiserhealthnews.org with permission from the Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation. Kaiser Health News, an editorially independent news service, is a program of the Kaiser Family Foundation, a nonprofit, nonpartisan health policy research and communication organization not affiliated with Kaiser Permanente.

I Miss The Me I Used To Be

I had to finally say goodbye to someone very important in my life. Me. The original me. The me I used to be. The me I finally understand that I will never be again completely. If I’m cured by some miracle. If my illnesses go away or into remission. If I get healthy again as quickly as I got so horribly sick. I’ll never be the same person I was. Pain changes people. I went through, and continue to go through a trauma to my body and mind. A death of a loved one can be gotten past eventually. You don’t forget that person ever. You grieve their loss, you miss them, you go through stages of different emotions. In time, you find ways to cope, to fill the loss with memories, with other people, with activity. You don’t hurt so badly and you begin to remember the good times fondly. In chronic pain, you can’t step away or separate yourself from you. It’s a part of you 24/7. Every minute of every day. You feel it, you think about it, you cry, you scream, you rail against it. You can’t get away from yourself. It’s like a cloak that covers you from head to toe. A dark, black, heavy weight. It presses down on you, forces you to keep your head down, bend under the strain. It hurts to smile, so you frown. It hurts to laugh, so you cry. It hurts to reach out to others, so you shut down. There is no escape. Meds can ease it temporarily. Cognitive thinking can help you understand it. Counseling can change how you look at it. But it’s always there. And always will be there. So you have to find coping mechanisms. I’m not there yet. I’ll get there. I’m determined and stubborn. But I still grieve the loss of the person I was. You would have liked her. Most people did. She was smart, funny, personable. She had a quick, dry wit. She loved being around other people. She treasured her friendships and loved her family. She wanted to learn a little about everything. She was smart. She was a good friend and always sympathetic to those in need. Always willing to help others. She was empathetic. She loved to travel and learn everything about new places. She was one of the good ones. I miss her everyday. There is a huge hole in my heart and soul where she used to reside. It will never be filled. The new me is like an infant. Having to learn from the beginning my limits, my goals, my wants and needs. My dreams. I am getting to know myself slowly, a little something new every day. The new me will be okay. Not a pale imitation of the old me. I won’t allow that. I’m still in control. The new me will push and fight to become as strong and happy as the old me. Just not today.

Hope

Insomnia/Painsomnia

wpid-wp-1432820239465.jpegI’m so tired. Tired of being tired. Not just tired tired, but so freaking tired that I can’t see straight. I can’t remember the last time I got more than 2-3 hours of solid sleep. I catch myself dozing during the day. I jerk awake like my body is fighting sleep. All I want is to fall asleep, not dream, and stay asleep for an entire night. Sounds easy, right?! It’s not. It’s a simple wish that I can’t seem to have granted. Insomnia is a symptom of chronic Migraine and Fibromyalgia. Painsomnia is a catch .22, the pain doesn’t allow your body to sleep. It’s an endless cycle of chasing sleep. Never deep REM sleep, just dozing and jerking awake. Usually accompanied by nightmares. Non – restorative sleep. Where you wake even more exhausted than you were before. Eyes hurt. Brain hurts. Neck hurts. Head feels like bucket of cement. Infuriating that I can’t have what comes so naturally to most. I have to fight for everything now, even sleep.