So. My depression and anxiety has me in it’s grasp! Just one of my “demons” trying to take control once again. It’s a daily struggle. It would be so easy to give in, to say “screw it”, to just let go. “It” is so strong! I am so weak. The pain is so bad. It’s getting harder and harder to function every day. I feel worthless, useless, tired of fighting, tired of trying, tired of living….. My demon promises peace, quiet, no pain, no stress, no worries….. It sounds so good. Too good. Too good to be true. I have to keep fighting. I am stronger than my depression. I am stronger that my pain. I can choose to push harder, exert myself, stretch my limits. Ignore the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. I matter. I am not alone. I can beat this. I’ve been down before and I came back stronger than ever. This is only temporary. This mood will lift. I will find a reason to smile. Even laugh. Life is worth living. If you’re going through hell, keep going. Screw you Demon! I’m in charge today and I want to fight! So back off! Let’s kick it in the ass fellow warriors! Carry on and always keep fighting! 💕

So. Do the constantly changing weather patterns affect your migraines and Fibro symptoms? Yeah. Me too. I live in SE Virginia. The weather here changes by the hour if not more often. It’s been in the 80`s in the Winter and 30`s in the Summer. We have cold fronts, warm fronts, hurricanes, tornadoes, rain, sleet, hail, and snow. And that could all be in the same week! All kidding aside, I am greatly affected by these weather “mood swings.” The pain is greater and the meds can’t keep up. Yesterday it was sunny and 74°. We had a freeze overnight due to a front passing through. Today it is stormy and 47° for a high. I think Earth’s barometer is broken. Or Mother Nature is on vacation. Regardless of reasons, I am suffering. My migraines are constant 9/10 with jackhammers and/or ice picks constructing or renovating something nefarious in my brain. When I take a step, the resounding throbbing makes me nauseated. Vertigo pops in to say, “Hey! Let’s go for a spin!” And the thought of food is bleak at best. So, pain meds on an empty stomach. Yay! On the Fibro side, every past, recent, and future injury, muscle ache, bump, bruise, paper cut, and stubbed toe make their presence known. Aching, burning, stabbing, dull, sharp, steady, tingling. They’re all here. I’ve given up leaving my bed for the past two days unless absolutely necessary. It’s not worth the additional pain to walk into the other room. Stairs aren’t even an option. And driving, I might as well bash my head into the wall and knock myself out. That way, I can’t hurt anyone else. Just laying here in bed, the itching from my pain meds and the tossing and turning from being unable to fall asleep are enough. I’ll fall asleep eventually. For awhile. Until the pain wakes me up. Painsomnia. Such a common problem amongst us chronic pain warriors that it has a name. Aren’t we lucky?! I know this is a flare up due to the weather and will ease up in its own good time. I know that, but still, I’m in pain, exhausted, depressed, in tears, and sick of it! Oh well. This too shall pass. And I’ll get back to my normal daily 7/8 migraine pain level and my occasional horribly painful, non weight-bearing knee one day, hip the next, neck after that, and so on. Anyway, I think I may just be able to fall asleep now. Here’s hoping! And hey, if you run into Mother Nature, please ask if her mood stabilizers have been changed lately. In the meantime, carry on and always keep fighting. Much love!  💕

So. Another week gone. I accomplished some of what I had planned. Others, not so much. But it’s okay. I need to give myself a break. I’m harder on myself than anyone else. Guilt, pride, stubbornness. Whatever. When I can’t do something, I get angry at myself. I should have pushed more, tried harder. But I’m slowly (think turtle pace) learning to take it easier on myself. Do what I can and be at peace. Not beat up on myself because my body won’t let me complete a task. 90% of the time my body is in charge, not my brain. This illness, disease, syndrome, whatever you want to call it, is in control. I feel like I’ve become two separate entities. There’s me. Then there’s my demon (as I refer to my illness). We have to share a body, but I still have control of my mind. When the demon says, “You can’t do that!”, it’s up to my brain to say, “I can try!” Sometimes it works, others it doesn’t. But I have free will. I can make my own decisions and I have options. Whether my body goes along with them is another story. I’m working really hard to not feel guilty or like I’ve let anyone down if I can’t complete a task or have to cancel plans. It only adds more stress and anxiety to my already overloaded system. I’m a work in progress as I feel we all are. I’m taking it day by day. Doing what I’m able and learning to forgive myself for

what I can’t. That’s all any of us can really do anyway. Carry on chronic pain warriors. And always keep fighting! 💕

So. I saw my pain management doctor last week. I went in with an 8+ pain level, dizziness, nausea, vertigo, weakness, and serious depression and anxiety. The nurse asked me how I was doing. I looked her in the eye and she said, “I’m sorry.” My pain is written on my face. As are all of my other symptoms. I do a damn good job hiding them most of the time. Not in this office. They need to know how bad things really are and have been for a long time. When I’m out in public, it’s usually “I’m fine. How are you?” Fake smile. People don’t want to hear the truth. They don’t want to be brought down. They don’t want to know about my issues. The fact that I can’t shower without pain. They wouldn’t understand how the water hitting my head is amplified and pure agony. They won’t care that I don’t usually wear sweats in public, but anything tight hurts my skin. They don’t want to see my tears that come every time I talk about myself. They wouldn’t understand the anxiety that comes with being more than 20 minutes from home. Worried the pain will worsen and I won’t be able to take another pill because I have to drive home. Mortified that I may have to vomit out the window while on the road. So. I smile. I get through it. I lie.

But not in the pain doctor’s office. They have to know the truth. They have to see the pain, the depression, the anxiety, the panic attacks, the tears…. Most of them are oblivious. My doctor and his nurse are not. They are sympathetic, empathetic, and they care. They don’t see this as the end of the road for me. They don’t tell me they’ve tried everything. They don’t tell me there’s no hope. They’re honest and tell me that there’s no cure. They don’t lie. They just haven’t given up on me and that means the world to me. Especially when I feel like giving up myself.

My doctor discusses options, new treatments, future treatments, possibilities, things we’ve yet to try. It’s the boost of positivity I am desperate for when I feel so lost. So we try new meds, new treatments. Some may help, some may not. But we’re trying. They haven’t given up on me, so I won’t give up on them.

Carry on fellow pain warriors and always keep fighting! Have a beautiful day! 

“Pain Patients No Different Than Addicts” CDC Expert Says

So. It’s 4 days after the worst migraine episode I’ve experienced in years. I’m still recovering. It came on slowly while I was out, and seemed like my usual. I was a little bit late taking my meds, but not by much. That’s one of the main problems with this particular demon, it does whatever it wants. Whenever it wants. No matter how much you beg, plead, and cry for it to stop. It doesn’t care. By the time I got home, I knew I was in for more than usual. My right eye was constantly watering. New symptom for me. I was more nauseated than most times. I sat down on my bed and tried to find a comfortable position. The throbbing and stabbing had intensified over my left eye. I couldn’t lie on either side. I got dizzy when I sat up and nauseated when I reclined. I hadn’t remembered pain this intense. Something in my head wanted to get out by any means possible. It got to the point where I was begging for a hole in my skull to just get it out. I had taken my oral meds and was attempting to prepare.an injection. I knew I couldn’t face the ER, and they’d give me the same drug. (After making me wait for hours, with the lights, smells, noise, and chaos. I couldn’t bear it. I finally gave myself a shot and managed to call the pharmacy when I discovered I was out of my follow-up oral pills. I don’t think I’ve mentioned that I found a local pharmacy that delivers! Srsly! Delivers to my door. My meds were here within 30 minutes or less. (Kinda like the pizza!) That was a lifesaver! I spent the next few days in a drugged, hungover, completely worn out state, but I made it through! I beat my demon once again! I’m now caught up in the wonderful mindset of anticipatory anxiety that this will happen again if I go out or overdue or smell something. So I’m staying in my bubble for awhile. I’ve earned it! This too shall pass. Carry on chronic pain warriors and always keep fighting! #WeNeedFunding #WeNeedACure #ItsNotJUSTaHeadache #StopTheStigma

So. Another week done. Time flies by no matter what goes on in life. I had an especially difficult week. Intractable migraine for most of it. 8-10 pain scale. I don’t really go by the number scale. Not when my lowest pain level is being able to focus enough to get to an appointment or the pharmacy without falling or failing. My median pain level is in my chair or bed, praying to anyone who will listen for a break from the constant stabbing, hammering, confusion, nausea, and dizziness. My highest pain level is curled up in a ball, in the dark, crying, wanting to scream, “Why me?!” Almost wishing it would all just end. Almost, but not quite. I find a reason to carry on and always have. My Mom. My furbaby Samantha. My fellow chronic pain warriors. The hope that new, effective treatment is available soon. I’m not done yet. There are plenty of things I have yet to experience. Dreams to make real. So, I fight and rage, cry and panic, always pushing for the next day to be better. I hope you all can do the same. Much love!

So. 3:00 a.m. again. I’m beyond tired. My thoughts are scrambled. I’m staggering around the house. Searching for clothes, coffee, cat, heating pad, tablet, pain meds, crackers, TENS unit, and my chair. My beloved chair. When the pain gets too bad to stay in bed, I have my chair. Painsomnia. I didn’t even know this word a few years ago. The pain won’t let me sleep for a rejuvenating amount of time. So I’m never fully rested. Always tired during the day. Wide awake at night. Mind full of thoughts, fears, worries, panic, worst case scenarios, etc. When I finally pass out in my chair, it’s only for a few minutes at a time. I try to go to bed, but migraine symptoms, back spasms, hip and knee pain won’t allow it. I’m not in charge of my body or my mind anymore. My demons have taken over. They decide what will hurt, to what degree, for how long, and when I finally get a break. Even a half an hour of real sleep and I’m in their debt. I have to find a way to wrestle myself out of their grip and take back my life! It’s mine to live, dammit! No one else’s! Right now, I’m at their mercy. Hopefully, the pain meds will kick in, the pain and worry will recede, and I’ll be strong enough to fight. Be strong fellow warriors! Ours is a long and arduous battle. Carry on and always keep fighting! Much love! 💕

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